Breathless but not alone

Breathless

anticipation- staring at the styrafoam like ceiling. Imaginging I am on an island. Thinking about all the places I've never been.

Realizing I am holding my breath as the ultrasound thing makes it's way across my breast.

Thinking about needing to get my passport so that I can travel to the places I've never been.

The gel growing cold as the moments pass... The Ultrasounder, Silent, Silent too. But in this moment as I realize I am on the ceiling. I come back down and realize that I am not alone. and I do not feel alone.

as the ultrasound thing traces across my breast- telling a story.

Breathless as I wait for it to be over.

She is big enough to hold me and to take care of me.

I tell myself as I am putting my clothes back on. as she hands me my clothes to put them on. my friend, my teammate, love. I am not standing there alone.

Breathless

sitting on the table, Kaiser, a place I have come to know so well.

She is here in my corner.

Breathless but not alone.

The doctor comes back in. the words streaming out of his mouth, I am trying to keep them in. Thankful she is here to catch them. so when I need to hear it again "I'm okay, I'm going to be alright"

I relize that I have been holding my breath through the imaging tools traversing my body trying to read the story- the next steps and path in my life.

The doctor says the words.
-Cystic not solid
-not worried
-no baseline
-come back in 6 months

I don't uncleanch my fists
I sit here letting the words wash over me
waiting for them to sink in
waiting for the results to make sense

I EXHALE

realize I'm in the room with the doctor, the ultrasounder and Lilyana. I'm going to be okay. I just have to let it make sense. Sit with the information.

The doctor asks me if I have any questions, if Lilyana has any questions. Noticing that I haven't moved, haven't reacted- my hands, still entwined and slightly clenched. Askig why I still look nervous.

The ultrasounder says "she's happy"

My mind races back to the comment she made at the beginning of the appointment when she was about to touch me with her cold hands. I said "cold hands warm heart" she replied "in my experience, not always"

I thought to myself- someone must have hurt her.

I am not alone
I am Breathing
I am going to be okay
We are going to be okay
I am going to get my passport
I am going to travel
I am going to continue to live my life to the fullest and love deeply.

Thank you for all your love and support and giving me the space to breathe and know that it was going to be okay no matter what the results