Breathless but not alone

Breathless

anticipation- staring at the styrafoam like ceiling. Imaginging I am on an island. Thinking about all the places I've never been.

Realizing I am holding my breath as the ultrasound thing makes it's way across my breast.

Thinking about needing to get my passport so that I can travel to the places I've never been.

The gel growing cold as the moments pass... The Ultrasounder, Silent, Silent too. But in this moment as I realize I am on the ceiling. I come back down and realize that I am not alone. and I do not feel alone.

as the ultrasound thing traces across my breast- telling a story.

Breathless as I wait for it to be over.

She is big enough to hold me and to take care of me.

I tell myself as I am putting my clothes back on. as she hands me my clothes to put them on. my friend, my teammate, love. I am not standing there alone.

Breathless

sitting on the table, Kaiser, a place I have come to know so well.

She is here in my corner.

Breathless but not alone.

The doctor comes back in. the words streaming out of his mouth, I am trying to keep them in. Thankful she is here to catch them. so when I need to hear it again "I'm okay, I'm going to be alright"

I relize that I have been holding my breath through the imaging tools traversing my body trying to read the story- the next steps and path in my life.

The doctor says the words.
-Cystic not solid
-not worried
-no baseline
-come back in 6 months

I don't uncleanch my fists
I sit here letting the words wash over me
waiting for them to sink in
waiting for the results to make sense

I EXHALE

realize I'm in the room with the doctor, the ultrasounder and Lilyana. I'm going to be okay. I just have to let it make sense. Sit with the information.

The doctor asks me if I have any questions, if Lilyana has any questions. Noticing that I haven't moved, haven't reacted- my hands, still entwined and slightly clenched. Askig why I still look nervous.

The ultrasounder says "she's happy"

My mind races back to the comment she made at the beginning of the appointment when she was about to touch me with her cold hands. I said "cold hands warm heart" she replied "in my experience, not always"

I thought to myself- someone must have hurt her.

I am not alone
I am Breathing
I am going to be okay
We are going to be okay
I am going to get my passport
I am going to travel
I am going to continue to live my life to the fullest and love deeply.

Thank you for all your love and support and giving me the space to breathe and know that it was going to be okay no matter what the results

Things I learned last year

Jan 26 2009

The intention of this blog is to try to fit all my thoughts into a space to share with my friends, family, my community! What do you all think about the name?

I feel like these past few months have brought me to a place in my life where I am learning how to be taken care of! I have spent much of my 29 years knowing how to take care of myself but not knowing how to ask for help, how to take without feeling guilty or less than! I know that I will be taken care of, that I am in a place in my life and I have surrounded myself with people who can and will step in and take care of me if I need them!

Things I have learned in the last year,

To trust, to be honest, to ask for what I need, to believe that I deserve to be taken care of me that it doesn't take away from my own personal power or my ability to take care of myself.

It's okay to ask for help, it doesn't mean that you are weak. We all deserve to be loved and cared for!

Tough thick shell, but once you make your way inside- squishy and vulnerable- all or nothing.

Remember when I was taking Ibuprofen everyday? Yesterday I war with one of my students. Feet pounding on the pavement! Running through the courtyard without thinking about running, yet breaking into a pure run. Smile pulling my lips back showing my teeth, I never show my teeth.

I feel like I have this laundry list of things to fix about myself! (Maybe that's what happens before one turns 30)

My shoulder hurts, but I can't take ibuprofen because I may have to have a biopsy on a lump found in my breast.

People have said that everything is going to be okay- but what if it is not okay! "everything will be okay because it has to"

What does it mean that everything will be fine? How do we know? Something that needs to be said! Maybe it's just something that you say! "Good Luck" "Everything will be fine" "it's all good"

I need to know that I will be taken care of, that if the results are not what I want them to be... I need to know that the "OK" means that I will be taken care of, that I have built a community, a family that will take care of me!

Trying to breathe through the anxiety. the extreme ups and downs

(PS I went to the doctor yesterday, Jan 28th and it's a Cyst and just something I have to keep an eye on)

An open letter to my mom and dad:

Dear Mom and Dad, Nov. 5th 2008
I wanted to take a moment to thank you! Thank you for raising me to be an unconditionally loving girl who grew to be a woman who loves! Loves deeply, intensely, and honestly! In light of the recent proposition at the polls! The passing of Prop 8, I am able to make it through the day with your support and love. Your desire to see me happy, however and with whomever is beside me, HAPPY! I am grateful that you are my support in this. I love you

Love Always, ibledebibledebackwack,

Brock

Me and My 90 Year Old Granny Franny

Momentary Musings

momentary musings...

silently upon soft ground... the water falling, pounding upon my face as i run... my feet leaping across the pavement... momentary resolve. momentary bliss.. absolve me and take me away... allow me to dissapate... fall away into nothing and everything. for a moment i feel whole, holy, complete and empty. grounded and floating...

there is a word for this in sanscrit and i believe also in hebrew, many other languages than my own.. for a moment when all is still and complete and purely empty... i can't find a word to describe this in my own tongue... from my own mouth... but with these words, i'll try to express the moment...